Master Bedroom Basics To Become A Better Lover

How to Be a Better Lover: Bedroom Basics is an adult film released in 2009. It is an educational guide starring adult performer Scott Styles, who shares his insights on how to bring women to ecstasy. The film emphasizes that porn sex is different from real-life sexual experiences. Styles' three partners join him in demonstrating foreplay, oral, and intercourse techniques, making the film both informative and entertaining.

Lose your insecurities

According to Nazanin Moali, PhD, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist at Oasis2Care, losing your insecurities can help you become a better lover. While this is often easier said than done, insecurities can distract you from being present with your partner. Moali explains that sexual insecurities can create frustration, which can hinder arousal and distract you.

Working with a sex therapist can be a great way to overcome your insecurities and boost your sexual self-esteem. However, there are also some things you can try on your own to lose your insecurities.

Firstly, it's important to focus on your own pleasure. While you may want to prioritise your partner's pleasure, your own pleasure is equally important. Conger, a certified sex therapist at Mile High Psychotherapy, explains that "for most people, one of the best turn-ons is their partner being turned on and feeling pleasure". This creates a positive cycle of pleasure and arousal for both parties.

Another way to lose your insecurities is to take things slowly. Building anticipation and taking your time with foreplay can enhance the experience for both you and your partner. Moali suggests viewing foreplay as something that starts hours or even days before sex, not just the physical acts that occur immediately beforehand. This could include suggestive touches throughout the day, leaving sexy notes, or sending flirty texts.

Additionally, it's crucial to communicate openly with your partner. Talk about your interests, desires, and boundaries outside of the bedroom, so that when the time comes, you can focus on the experience rather than your worries. Communicating non-verbally during sex, through moans, body movements, and adjustments, can also help maintain the mood and protect your partner's feelings.

Finally, enhancing your self-awareness and sexual confidence will help you communicate more effectively with your partner. Take some time to understand what turns you on, what clothes make you feel sexy, where and how you like to be touched, and so on. This will allow you to communicate your needs and preferences clearly, which will ultimately improve your sexual experiences.

Focus on your partner's pleasure

Ask Questions

Communication is key to understanding your partner's pleasure. Ask them what they like, what turns them on, and what their most erotic moments have been. You can also ask about their favourite porn and if they'd be comfortable with you watching it with them. This can give you an insight into what they enjoy.

Build Excitement

Build excitement and anticipation throughout the day by touching them suggestively, leaving sexy notes, or sexting. This can be a great way to initiate foreplay hours before sex.

Understand Their "Erotic Blueprint"

Understanding what turns your partner on and how they can be pleased is crucial. You can take an online quiz to determine your "erotic blueprint" type and ask your partner to do the same. This can help you understand each other's needs and compromise to meet them.

Be Attentive

Pay attention to your partner's verbal and non-verbal cues during sex. Listen to their moans, watch their body language, and feel how their body reacts to your touch. This can help you understand what they enjoy and what they don't.

Bring Novelty

Try new things in the bedroom to keep things exciting. This could include having sex in a different room, trying different types of foreplay, incorporating sensory play, acting out fantasies, or trying new sex positions.

Focus on Their Body

Take the time to explore your partner's whole body. Tease them with light touches around their erogenous zones, such as the neck, stomach, and armpits. This can help build anticipation and pleasure for your partner.

Provide Manual or Oral Stimulation

Focus solely on your partner's pleasure by providing manual or oral stimulation. Let them know that your main intention is for them to feel good. Tune in to their body's reactions and enjoy knowing that your partner is feeling wonderful.

Focus on your own pleasure

Focusing on your own pleasure is an important part of being a better lover. While it's natural to want to focus on giving your partner pleasure, prioritising your own pleasure is a crucial part of the experience, too.

Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, a certified sex therapist at Mile High Psychotherapy, says that "for most people, one of the biggest turn-ons is their partner being turned on and feeling pleasure". This energy is infectious and will build until you're both having a great time.

To focus on your own pleasure, it's important to be present and communicate. Try not to let your insecurities or the things going on in your head distract you. Instead, stay attuned to your body and express what you're feeling. Tell your partner what you like and don't like. Make it clear which parts of your body are longing for touch.

Before you get intimate, take some time to know your sexual self. How do you turn yourself on? What clothes make you feel sexy or desirable? Where do you like to be touched and how? Do you prefer the lights on or off? Is there music that gets you in the mood? Enhancing your self-awareness and sexual confidence will make it easier for you to communicate with your partner.

Build excitement and anticipation

Creating excitement and anticipation is a great way to enhance pleasure and stoke desire. Here are some ways to build excitement and anticipation before getting intimate with your partner:

Make suggestive touches throughout the day

Suggestive touches throughout the day can be a form of emotional "foreplay" that starts hours or even days before the actual sex session. This could include light touches around the neck, stomach, and armpits, which are all erogenous zones.

Leave sexy notes or letters around the house

Sexy notes or letters can be a fun and creative way to build excitement. You can leave them in places where your partner will easily find them, such as on their pillow, in their wallet, or even hidden in a pocket.

Send flirtatious text messages throughout the day

Sexting is a modern way to build excitement and keep your partner thinking about you throughout the day. Send suggestive messages or hints about what you have planned for later.

Plan and anticipate

For busy couples, sex may often take a back seat. Make a point to prioritize time for sex and let your partner know that you're looking forward to connecting and being intimate. Planning ahead can also help you set the mood and create a romantic atmosphere.

Explore your partner's whole body

Instead of rushing to stimulate erogenous zones, take your time to explore your partner's body. You can use feathers, silk, or other sensuous materials to tease and build anticipation.

Play optometrist

Present your partner with two options for stimulation and let them choose which one they prefer. This can be a fun way to explore different sensations and techniques together.

Remember, building excitement and anticipation is all about enhancing the experience and thrilling your partner. By taking your time and being creative, you can create a more enjoyable and satisfying intimate experience for both of you.

Understand your erotic blueprint

Understanding your erotic blueprint is a crucial step in becoming a better lover. Erotic blueprints are a way to identify what turns you on and gets you going. There are five main types of erotic blueprints, and taking an online quiz can help you determine which one you are.

For example, the "sensual" type is characterised by a person who enjoys a full-body experience, engaging all five senses. On the other hand, the "sexual" type is more turned on by genitals and sex itself. Knowing your erotic blueprint can help you show up for sex in a more meaningful way and enhance your ability to connect with your partner.

Additionally, understanding your partner's erotic blueprint is just as important. By learning about their preferences and what they enjoy, you can tailor your actions to meet their needs and desires. This might include asking them questions about their most erotic moments, their favourite pornography, or their sexual fantasies.

By taking the time to understand both your own and your partner's erotic blueprints, you can improve your sexual experiences together and ensure that both of your needs are being met and respected. This knowledge can also help you compromise and find ways to satisfy each other.

Frequently asked questions