Kailyn Wolf
Being dominant in the bedroom can be a turn-on for many, but it doesn't come naturally to everyone. If you're looking to explore your dominant side, it's important to ensure that it's something you're interested in and that you have consent from your partner(s). Before things get steamy, have an open conversation about boundaries and what you and your partner(s) are comfortable with. During the act, maintain eye contact, use dirty talk, and give positive affirmations to assert your dominance. Remember, it's not about exerting power but about exploring a sexual kink that appeals to both you and your partner(s).
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Maintain eye contact | "Nothing says, 'I am going to f*cking devour you,' like steady eye contact before a kiss," says Katarina Pierce, a fetish wrestler and pro domme. |
| Tell your partner not to look at you | "Eye contact lets them know you're in control. [...] You can also tell your partner to not look at you. That's also a way to exert your dominance," says Cory B, a sex educator and kink coach. |
| Pull your partner's hair | "Hair pulling, if done right, can be sexy, controlling, and not painful at all, " says Pierce. "You'll gather up their hair rather than pull it from the tip, which pulls painfully at the roots. It's dominant, primal, and it says, 'I have you. I am so caught up in you. I need piles of you.'" |
| Use dominant language | "Throw out words like 'Daddy,' 'Sir,' and 'Master,' to denote who's in control," suggests Cory B. |
| Use dirty talk | "Don't be afraid of dirty talk!" says Pierce. "Before you hit the bedroom, you'll want to ask your partner which words they like and which words are off limits." |
| Give positive affirmations | "Saying 'What a good girl' or 'I'm very impressed with your slutty mouth' keeps the mood going while also communicating to your partner that they're doing a good job," says Cory B. |
| Restrain your partner | "You can tie up your partner if they're down for that, but you don't necessarily need to take it that far to assert your dominance," says Pierce. |
| Push your partner against a wall | "You can push your partner up against a wall when you kiss them or wrap your arms around them while you're on top of them, letting them feel your weight, " says Pierce. "There's almost a 'bondage-y' element when you do this." |
| Give commands | "Don't ask, just tell," says Pierce. "If your partner is grinding on you quicker than you'd like, instead of saying, 'Could you go slower?' just look them in the eyes and say, 'Slower.' Be sure to give a moan or something after that lets them know that the instruction was not a criticism but a command, and they totally nailed it." |
| Provide aftercare | "Sexual aftercare is an essential part of any play that involves power exchange, " says <co: 2>Cory B. "If you are lucky enough for someone to submit their power to you, you have a responsibility to take care of that person after you have given their power back. Ask them what they need afterward, and make sure to check in on them the next day as well." |
What You'll Learn
Discuss boundaries and consent before getting intimate
Discussing boundaries and consent before getting intimate is an essential part of any sexual relationship. It ensures that both partners are comfortable, respected, and excited about the activities they engage in. Here are some tips to effectively discuss boundaries and consent:
Establish Boundaries:
Firstly, it's important to understand your own boundaries. Boundaries are personal rules that help articulate the behaviours that make you feel safe and respected. These can include physical, emotional, digital, and sexual boundaries. For example, you might have a boundary about not wanting to discuss certain topics at work or wanting to restrict physical actions like hugging. It's crucial to identify your boundaries to effectively communicate them to your partner.
Communicate Comfort Zones:
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of respect and open communication. Share your boundaries with your partner and encourage them to do the same. Choose a comfortable setting for this conversation, and use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs. For example, you can say, "I feel uncomfortable with X, but I am open to trying Y." This approach ensures that your partner understands your boundaries without feeling accused or attacked.
Ask Every Time:
Consent is an ongoing conversation and should be discussed before any sexual activity. It's important to ask for consent explicitly and enthusiastically. Avoid making assumptions based on your partner's appearance, flirting, or previous consent to a similar activity. Ask clear and direct questions like, "Would you like it if I kissed you?" or "Is this okay?" Ensure that you have verbal confirmation or enthusiastic non-verbal cues from your partner before proceeding.
Check-In Regularly:
Boundaries and comfort levels can shift over time, so it's essential to check in with your partner regularly. Ask open-ended questions and pay attention to their responses. For example, you can ask, "Are you comfortable?" or "Do you want to go further?" This ensures that both partners feel safe and respected throughout the intimate experience.
Respect Each Other:
At its core, consent is about mutual respect for each other's boundaries. Respect your partner's boundaries, and expect the same in return. If your partner communicates discomfort or withdraws consent at any point, respect their wishes without pressure or guilt-tripping. Remember, consent is an ongoing conversation, and both parties should feel empowered to express their boundaries and desires.
By discussing boundaries and consent before getting intimate, you create a safe and exciting space for both partners to explore their desires while respecting each other's limits. This open communication fosters trust, enhances pleasure, and strengthens the intimate connection.
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Make minor changes in behaviour
Making minor changes in behaviour can help you become more dominant in the bedroom. Here are some tips to achieve this:
Maintain Eye Contact
Steady eye contact before a kiss can be a powerful way to signal your intentions and assert your dominance. As Katarina Pierce, a fetish wrestler and pro domme, explains, "Eye contact lets them know you're in control." Alternatively, you can also tell your partner not to look at you, which is another way to exert dominance.
Hair Pulling
Hair pulling, when done correctly, can be sexy and controlling without causing pain. Pierce suggests running your fingers through your partner's hair so that your palm is against their scalp. Then, make a fist, gathering their hair without pulling painfully at the roots. This sends a primal message of possession and desire.
Use Dominant Language
Incorporate dominant language into your dirty talk by using words like "Daddy," "Sir," and "Master" to reinforce your position of control. Choose the words that make you feel the most powerful, and don't be afraid to experiment with different phrases to find what works best for you and your partner.
Give Positive Affirmations
Let your partner know how they're doing by providing sexy and affirming feedback. For example, saying something like, "What a good girl" or "I'm very impressed with your slutty mouth" can keep the mood going while also communicating that they're pleasing you.
Use Restraint or Physical Dominance
You can assert your dominance without necessarily tying up your partner. Try pushing them against a wall while kissing or wrapping your arms around them while on top, allowing them to feel your weight. These actions can create a sense of "bondage" without the need for actual restraints.
Be Direct with Instructions
Instead of asking your partner to change their pace or actions, be direct and tell them what you want. For example, if your partner is grinding too fast, look them in the eyes and say, "Slower." Don't forget to add a moan or some form of positive reinforcement afterward to let them know they followed your command successfully.
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Maintain eye contact
Maintaining eye contact is a powerful way to convey dominance and control in the bedroom. According to sex educator and kink coach Cory B, steady eye contact before a kiss can be incredibly impactful. It sends a clear message of intent and desire, leaving no doubt about your commanding presence.
When you lock eyes with your partner, you create an intense moment of connection. It becomes a form of unspoken communication, a silent yet powerful assertion of your dominance. This eye contact can be held for a few seconds, creating a charged atmosphere and building anticipation. It is a simple yet effective way to take control of the situation and guide the encounter in the direction you desire.
You can also use eye contact to give instructions or make requests. For example, if your partner is moving too fast, a firm but sensual gaze, accompanied by a whispered command, can be an effective way to slow things down without breaking the mood. This combination of eye contact and verbal direction reinforces your dominant role while keeping the encounter consensual and enjoyable for both parties.
Additionally, eye contact can be used to convey praise and appreciation. After an encounter, a lingering gaze and a soft smile can communicate your satisfaction and appreciation for your partner's submission. This non-verbal affirmation can be a powerful way to conclude an intimate moment and reinforce the dynamic you have established.
Remember, the key to successful dominance is consent and respect. Always discuss boundaries beforehand and ensure your partner is comfortable with your behaviour. With their consent, maintaining eye contact can be a powerful tool to enhance your commanding presence in the bedroom.
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Incorporate dirty talk
Dirty talk is a great way to build intimacy, confidence, and mutual satisfaction in a relationship. It can be a powerful tool to enhance the sexual experience and create a more immersive and stimulating environment for both partners. Here are some tips to incorporate dirty talk into your bedroom repertoire:
Start with Consent
It is crucial to ensure that your partner is comfortable with dirty talk. Bring up the topic in a non-sexual context and assess their comfort level. Ask open-ended questions like, "How do you feel about dirty talk?" and "Are there any words or phrases that make you uncomfortable?" This conversation sets the foundation for respectful and consensual dirty talk.
Ease into It
Start slowly and gradually with subtle, suggestive comments. Pay attention to your partner's reactions and adjust accordingly. As you both become more comfortable, you can introduce more explicit language. Remember, mutual consent and enjoyment are key.
Find the Right Words
Dirty talk can range from simple and suggestive to more graphic and explicit. Use sexually explicit or suggestive words that align with your partner's comfort level and preferences. Words like "slut," "pussy," "cock," and "dick" can be powerful, but be mindful of your partner's reactions and boundaries.
Set the Mood
Dim the lights or turn them off completely to create an intimate atmosphere. This can help you feel less exposed and more comfortable experimenting with dirty talk.
Practice Makes Perfect
It's normal to feel awkward or nervous about dirty talk, especially if you're new to it. Practice saying racy words or phrases out loud when you're alone to build your confidence. You can also try reading erotic literature or listening to audio porn for inspiration.
Focus on Sensation
Describe what you're feeling, seeing, smelling, tasting, and hearing during sex. For example, "You feel so incredible against me" or "You taste so sweet." This type of dirty talk intensifies the sensory experience for both partners.
Ask Questions
Encourage your partner to join in the dirty talk by asking questions. For example, "Do you want me to make you come?" or "Where do you want me to touch you?" This interactive approach enhances the experience for both of you.
Compliments are Key
Positive affirmations can be a powerful form of dirty talk. Compliment your partner's performance, appearance, or skills. Try phrases like, "You're so sexy when you're naked" or "I love it when you take control."
Narrate the Experience
Dirty talk doesn't always have to be explicit. Simply narrating what's happening in the moment can be incredibly stimulating. Try something like, "I feel my heart pounding" or "I want to feel you inside me."
Experiment with Role-Play
Create personas or characters to step outside yourselves. This can make it feel safer to explore different types of dirty talk. Try on different names, settings, or fantasies to add an element of novelty and creativity to your dirty talk.
Provide Feedback
After engaging in dirty talk, check in with your partner to see how they're feeling. Ask for their feedback and make any necessary adjustments. This ensures that both partners feel respected and appreciated.
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Provide positive affirmations
Positive affirmations are a powerful tool to boost your partner's self-esteem and make them feel appreciated. They can also be used to communicate that your partner is doing something right and that you are pleased. Here are some ways to provide positive affirmations in the bedroom:
- Let your partner know how they're doing in a sexy and affirming way. For example, saying "What a good girl" or "I'm very impressed with your slutty mouth" keeps the mood going while also communicating to your partner that they're doing a good job.
- If you're feeling grateful for your partner, express it. Gratitude can be a powerful way to make your partner feel appreciated and valued. You can say something like, "I am grateful for the love that I receive, give, and share." or "I am grateful for having a warm bed to sleep in."
- Affirm your partner's worth and value. For example, you can say, "You are worthy of good things. You have a right to comfort and prosperity." or "You are beautiful. You are unique. You have a wonderful sense of humor. You are truly special."
- Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and express your appreciation for your partner. For example, you can say, "I am grateful for the people who have been my teachers. I am grateful for the lessons life has brought." or "I am excited to wake up feeling good tomorrow."
- Use affirmations to boost your partner's confidence and self-esteem. For instance, you can say, "I am excited about tomorrow because it's a new opportunity." or "I am safe and letting go of every worry."
- Create a sense of optimism and hope for the future. You can say something like, "I am looking forward to tomorrow because it brings new opportunities." or "I am excited to see what the future holds for us."
- Help your partner relax and unwind by using calming and reassuring affirmations. For example, "I am closing my eyes and shutting my mind off." or "I am drifting to sleep with calm thoughts and optimism."
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Frequently asked questions
Before getting intimate, discuss boundaries and what you and your partner are comfortable with. During sex, maintain eye contact, use hair pulling, and incorporate dirty talk to establish a dominant tone.
Give your partner commands, such as "Slower", and use pet names like "Daddy", "Sir", or "Master" to denote control. You can also try blindfolding your partner or pushing them against a wall while kissing to assert your dominance.
Always obtain affirmative consent from your partner before and during sex. After sex, provide sexual aftercare to help your partner process the experience, and check in with them the next day to ensure they are doing well.
